It's been about 3 weeks since Allison's accident, and I've been through a roller coaster of emotions. I've had a number of, "Wow - I can't even begin to imagine what you're feeling like!" comments, so I've decided to finally write out my feelings. This is partly for those who are curious about it, but mostly because I need to shout all of this out before it drives me more crazy.

I've put off writing anything for quite a while because I've been afraid that something I say would hurt someone's feelings. I write in a sort of "stream of conscience" style when I blog, and my emotions at the time might have created problems. Well, that ship has sailed and I think people's feelings have been hurt anyway, and I'm needing my little corner of the world to be able to speak my mind. Maybe no one will read this, maybe some will. At this point, I just need to document my feelings.

Walking in the BadlandsI need to start by introducing you to Allison. Yeah, yeah, I know - you all know Allison already, right? Well, she's MY daughter, and there are things that none of you would ever guess. Heck, there are things about her _I_ don't know. Anyway - she's a free spirit. There she is at around 8 running ahead of me in the Badlands in South Dakota. See the path we're on? I was tight roping it, and she was just running on ahead. Those drops are 20 or 30 feet on both sides (at least). She was yelling, "Dad, keep up!" while I was thinking to myself, "I have to keep up - if you fall in, I have to go in after you!"

Allis First Birthday CakeExtreme activities have ALWAYS been her strongest outlets. You see, she was abused as a child. I met her at the age of 7. That's her with her VERY FIRST EVER birthday cake that we got her. She liked extreme things (running super fast, riding her bike recklessly, etc.) because it was fun, and it wore her out at night so she wouldn't have to lie in bed thinking. I gotta be honest, I wouldn't want to lie in bed thinking about the stuff she'd been through, either.

Anyway, we adopted her, and now she's 13. She's come a long way since then, and she's absolutely amazing in a million ways. One thing we started doing as a family a few years ago was geocaching. We LOVED going geocaching as a family. Finding cool stuff in cool places - it was GREAT! Then we were introduced to "Godless Endeavor". It was our very first tree climbing geocache. She LOVED it. People recognized her ability to climb well and dubbed her "The Amazing A". I enjoyed it, too, so we decided to do more of these.

Tree ClimbIt became a thing where dad and Alli were going tree climbing "again". The climbs were getting so high, we got harnesses for Christmas. It was GREAT father-daughter time, and I looked forward to them, even though I knew she was a much better climber than I was. I LOVED watching her climb!!! And she loved climbing. I loved climbing, too, but it was always about her, and I liked it that way.

One day, a week before the accident, we were doing a tree climb, and her comment on the way home was, "Dad... I'm so glad we do these climbs. I feel like after doing all of these, I'm starting to be able to trust you. And after that, I think I can start trusting others, too!" For a girl who's been through what she's been through, that was one of the greatest moments I've had as a dad.

Three TreeThen we went to do Three On The Tree. There she is climbing up to get it. Getting it wasn't the problem, though. It was on the way down, she slipped somehow with the ropes and fell - to the ground - landing on her back. After a little consoling, she actually got up on her own and walked to the next tree. She was complaining a bit about pain in her back, so I took her to the hospital. It was worse than I even imagined. She had a crushed C7 and was consolidated to her bed for a week.

She then had to get a halo put on. This is screwed into her head and keeps her neck from moving. She has to wear this for 8 weeks, then wear a neck brace for 4 weeks. Her whole summer is now non-active. I can't even begin to explain how guilty I felt knowing that I was there when she fell. I didn't catch her. I keep trying to figure out why I didn't, but I can't. I just see her, over and over, falling out of that tree. Like a slow motion replay that won't go away. She doesn't blame me, and I'm learning not to blame myself. But it's hard.

Anyway - now for the emotions part. Here's the raw section. If you want real, it's here... if you're afraid of getting hurt, go on to something else.

As a father, I want to do ANYTHING I can to make things a little better for her. I can't wave a magic wand and make her better, though. I will say, I've tried. The magic wand of prayer. Don't get me wrong, God is healing her. It's just not as fast as I want it. I'm still praying, though. She still has quite a process to go through. I want so badly to know how to take care of her and help her deal with what she's dealing with, but I can only love her and do my best.

As a person, I want to punish myself. Alli is hurt, so I shouldn't do anything fun so I'm walking the road with her. Then I think, "if I do these climbs now, then when Alli's better, she can be the center of attention again!" So I go try the climbs. Then I feel bad that I'm out here climbing and she's at home in a halo. It's a sick circle. I'm still not sure what's "right".

As a friend to others, I have gone through more pain than I can express here. I know everyone means well, but dang. I am a people pleaser through and through. I don't ever want something I did to cause anyone else any pain. Well, here's Allison, now at the center of controversy, and I have to field it with people I thought were my friends. Again - I KNOW everyone means well, but here's what I got:

From tree climbers I got comments that I wasn't careful enough and this all could have been prevented. This may not have been directed at me directly, but it felt like it. Remember - raw and real. I understand the problem... people feel bad about it happening and everyone deals with it differently. Some are also trying to protect the tree climbing aspect of geocaching from those who would say, "See? I told you someone would get hurt by this!" I get it. I blew it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was a part of creating such a problem for you. I wish I could take your attacks and protect you from them. People aren't attacking me, though... I'm the victim father, and Alli is the victim little girl. So you have to deal with it all. I'm SOOOO sorry.

From those who hate tree climbing... exactly what I said earlier. I get side comments: "You aren't going to climb anymore now that this has happened, right?!" or "I bet you'll be more careful next time!" For all of you (and for those of you attacking the tree climbers) I refer you back to the badlands picture and paragraph. This is NOT a tree climbing thing... this is an Alli thing. If you didn't notice, she got a concussion, broken arm, sprained ankle, and many other painful things before this happened. Please also note how therapeutic this has been to a girl who has endured more in her life than most of you will in your entire lives. This halo is rough, but it's nothing compared to what she went through as a young child. DO NOT take away her therapy, her escape. I won't let you. Anything can happen when you're out doing life... heck, I'm in a splint because of poison ivy. Do we ban caches near poison ivy because of what happened to me? Of course not. She got a concussion playing soccer - do I keep her out of soccer now? Of course not. Get over yourselves and your agendas and quit making this about you. Raw and real.

And finally to those who said, "Let us know what we can do to help you... whatever it is!" I thank you for your intent. I know you mean well. But if you think I'm going to come to any of you and ask you to help us pay the bills we incurred partly because of this, you're wrong. We're all going through tough times. We won't turn down your offers to help us, but I wouldn't dare imagine that my struggles are any worse than yours. God owns the cattle on a thousand hills - He'll provide. In His time. Again, I just wish He was faster. Raw and real. And I'm not sure what to even ask most of you for. Are you willing to come hang out with a 13 year old who can't go out and play all summer? I bet she'd love it if you did. How do I ask for that? Raw and real. I'm in emotional pain I don't even know how to explain - do you have answers? "God has a plan - He will use this tragedy for good." Yeah, I've heard that answer. I own the Book and have read it through many times. Don't tell me stuff like that, it makes me want to bash you in the head, and wishing harm on someone is a sin. Don't make me sin. ;) I just wish I had someone I could talk to about all this when I'm feeling like this, but I'm not calling you at 1:30 in the morning (the time it is now - notice the lack of pictures in this section). So anyway, don't get me wrong, it's the thought that counts when you say stuff like this, and I TRULY appreciate it. I just don't have any idea how I'd ever take you up on it.

Wow. I needed that. Now all that's left is to sit back and watch my friend count on Facebook drop every time someone reads this. I hope that doesn't happen. I hope that like me, you are trying to figure out this whole life thing and how to deal with crap when it happens, and you can offer a little grace to a man who feels like his heart is ripped in a million pieces. Kudos if you read this whole thing. I hope someday it might offer comfort or provide some empathy to someone else struggling like I've been.